I go through these restless spells, and right now, I am in one.
I know I have this burning passion in me....and know what I want my life to count for and represent. Yet, here I am ready to give up, let sin reign, and just become part if the growing statistics of people who quit. Yet, I know that it is this very pressure God wants to use in my life to bring about godly character, so why do I resist it? Paul's words in Romans 7 probably describe this struggle in me better than anything.
"....The trouble is not with the law but with me, because I am sold into slavery, with sin as my master. I don't understand myself at all, for I really want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead, I do the very thing I hate. I know perfectly well that what I am doing is wrong.....But I can't help myself......It seems to be a fact of life that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. Oh, what a miserable person I am!
Well, said, Paul. Well said. It get's discouraging see yourself continually mess up again and again. As the Caedmon's call lyrics go, I know the road is long from the ground to glory, but a [girl] can hope that she's getting some place!!! But you see, I'm running from the very clothes I'm wearing, and dressed like this I'm fit for the chase.
Insert pity party here, right? But let's turn the page. What else does Paul say?
He says, Holly, "...you are not controlled by your sinful nature. You are controlled by the Spirit....So, dear sister; you have no obligation whatsoever to do what your sinful nature urges you to do. So you should not be like cowering, fearful slaves. You should behave instead like God's very own children, adopted into his family--calling him 'Father, dear Father.' If God is for us, who can ever be against us? Since God did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won't God, who gave us Christ, also give us everything else?"
Deeeeeep breath. Let's try this one more day.