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Saturday, June 30, 2012

Struggling with the "Why's"

Most people that know me would probably say that I am an open book.  I AM and introvert, don't get me wrong.  However, I try to live my life in a way that allows people to see in and know the real me.  I'm not fancy.  I'm not polished.  I'm just a simple girl trying to make the most of the life God's given me.

A week ago, we experienced another rough patch.  After miscarrying my first pregnancy back in December, we have been riding the ups and downs of waiting for a second pregnancy.  Each month hopes would rise....and then fall as we wouldn't get pregnant.  This past cycle the fall didn't happen.  I was cautiously optimistic, and after what seemed like forever waiting, we got a positive home pregnancy test.  Then I tested again later in the day.  Then I tested again the next day.  All positive.

Last Friday night I felt great, and Jacob and I even talked about how different it was this time compared to my experience in December.  About 1:30 am I started to feel cramping.  I tried to sleep, but it wouldn't come.  As the night progressed, the fear of another miscarriage became reality.

My initial thoughts were basically, "Why, God, did you let this happen again?"  I really struggled with the "why's" the first time through.  It was hard for me to pray and ask for God to bless us with children.  I was hesitant to trust Him.

I grew up in church, and I know all the right answers.  The right answers didn't match much of what I was feeling at the time.  So when it happened again, my first reaction was to again mistrust God.  Sunday morning arrived, and I didn't want to go to church.  My heart was still hard and my emotions too raw.  But we went.  I stood during the worship time and focused on not crying.  I couldn't sing about God's goodness, so I didn't.

I don't think it is a sign of strength to paste a smile on your face and sing about God's goodness.  That doesn't bring Him honor or praise.  I think that He is BIG enough to take my true feelings and my true thoughts.  Because of that, I think, He was able to dislodge some things from my heart that morning. 

It's now been a week and my perspective has changed.  I still want to understand WHY....but I also know there are things that I will never understand.  It's like a puzzle.  If you look at the individual pieces--some red, some light blue, others may be black or grey--they don't seem to be a part of the same picture.  Once in place, they complete the picture.  Right now I am staring at a couple of pieces, and I can't see where it fits in the overall picture of my life.