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Sunday, January 1, 2012

New Year....not so Happy

This post is hard to write.  I really don't have the words. 

We miscarried.

Just before Christmas, Jacob and I found out we were expecting.  It had been months of trying, waiting, and disappointment.  I was in shock that we finally did get pregnant.  We went to the doctor and had our first check-up.  I was having some pains, but were assured they were normal.  Jacob and I told his parents and planned on surprising my mom a few days later.

The day we were to leave for my mom's house, I started cramping severely and had some bleeding as well.  Panicked, we went to the ER and they ran about a million tests only to say they weren't sure what was happening.  We had to cancel our trip and wait for a few days to find out what was going on in my body.  On Tuesday, we were given news that I had miscarried. 

For me, the moment I found out I was pregnant I imagined a whole life with this child.  I knew the due date.  I imagine how old the baby would be next year at Christmas.  I imagined how old I would be when they graduated High School, when they would be in college.  That was my first child, and now those are all merely dreams.

I know I am not the only one that has gone through it.  But it was my first pregnancy.  It was my first loss.  My emotions are still so raw.  I feel anger.  Sadness.  Loss.  Disbelief.  Anger again. 

Dear baby, I loved you the moment I knew you existed.  I miss you already.