This post is hard to write. I really don't have the words.
Just before Christmas, Jacob and I found out we were expecting. It had been months of trying, waiting, and disappointment. I was in shock that we finally did get pregnant. We went to the doctor and had our first check-up. I was having some pains, but were assured they were normal. Jacob and I told his parents and planned on surprising my mom a few days later.
The day we were to leave for my mom's house, I started cramping severely and had some bleeding as well. Panicked, we went to the ER and they ran about a million tests only to say they weren't sure what was happening. We had to cancel our trip and wait for a few days to find out what was going on in my body. On Tuesday, we were given news that I had miscarried.
For me, the moment I found out I was pregnant I imagined a whole life with this child. I knew the due date. I imagine how old the baby would be next year at Christmas. I imagined how old I would be when they graduated High School, when they would be in college. That was my first child, and now those are all merely dreams.
I know I am not the only one that has gone through it. But it was my first pregnancy. It was my first loss. My emotions are still so raw. I feel anger. Sadness. Loss. Disbelief. Anger again.
Dear baby, I loved you the moment I knew you existed. I miss you already.