New Year....not so Happy

This post is hard to write.  I really don't have the words. 

We miscarried.

Just before Christmas, Jacob and I found out we were expecting.  It had been months of trying, waiting, and disappointment.  I was in shock that we finally did get pregnant.  We went to the doctor and had our first check-up.  I was having some pains, but were assured they were normal.  Jacob and I told his parents and planned on surprising my mom a few days later.

The day we were to leave for my mom's house, I started cramping severely and had some bleeding as well.  Panicked, we went to the ER and they ran about a million tests only to say they weren't sure what was happening.  We had to cancel our trip and wait for a few days to find out what was going on in my body.  On Tuesday, we were given news that I had miscarried. 

For me, the moment I found out I was pregnant I imagined a whole life with this child.  I knew the due date.  I imagine how old the baby would be next year at Christmas.  I imagined how old I would be when they graduated High School, when they would be in college.  That was my first child, and now those are all merely dreams.

I know I am not the only one that has gone through it.  But it was my first pregnancy.  It was my first loss.  My emotions are still so raw.  I feel anger.  Sadness.  Loss.  Disbelief.  Anger again. 

Dear baby, I loved you the moment I knew you existed.  I miss you already.    

I love audiobooks but.....

My husband and I are both HUGE readers.  We both love to read, to learn new things, and we both love to talk about what we're reading.  That's great right?

Problem:  We like totally different types of books.  Jacob reads non-fiction and primarily business books.  Me?  I looooooove me some fiction.

It's a tragedy, really, since we can't share books.  Yesterday, we went to Borders and picked through their remaining books.  I got three fiction books and he got three business books.

I haven't started reading mine because I am currently listening to Jacob's.  I love audiobooks but this is different.  For the past day and a half, he has been reading OUT LOUD to me his books.  The most predominate one he is reading to me is about private equity firms and how they are destroying America.

Trust me, if there is one thing that is more boring than a business book, it is a business book about private equity firms.

Right now, as I am writing this, he is reading out loud to me.  My favorite part is when he finishes reading a section he will stop and paraphrase what he just read in a way that I can understand.  I am trying very hard to listen and make affirming cues like "Oh, wow, really?"  Or, "No way!  That is horrible."   I am a very good wife that way.  :) 

Even if I could care less about his books, I love him.  He makes me smile.  He is so darn cute when he is learning and processing ideas.  He is so passionate about things...and those are the very things that made me fall for him.   

I think, though, that it is only fair if I read to him too.  "Harry Potter" anyone?

PS:

When I was able to get Jacob to pause reading the private equity firm book, I read this post to him.

He said, and I quote, "I don't need to read Harry Potter, I saw the movies!  They don't make movies about this kind of stuff!"

Me:  "There is a reason for that, dear."

Now, on to the whole world domination thing....

Today is my 3-month wedding anniversary.  Hey, we mark milestones in months for babies, why not for  marriage? 

"How old is your baby?"

"He's 18 months."

Now insert the world "marriage" instead.

"How old is your marriage?"

"It's 3 months."

"Wow, 3 months already!  My how quickly it's grown!"

"Yeah, isn't it crazy?  First thing you know, the most expensive 12 hours of your life is over and one day you wake up and you're married for 3 months!  The time has flown by."

"That's great, Holly.  You're marriage is just the cutest little 3-month old I've seen since my own!"  

Okay, sorry, enough pretend conversations.  Maybe I need to get out more.

ANYWAY, today Jacob and I have been married 3 whole months.  For our guest book we made this really fun picture book with empty pages for people to sign.  That way we could leave it out and look at it from time to time.

In the introduction page, we had this:

Step one: Marriage.
Step two: World Domination

Throughout our engagement we joked about how we were going to dominate the world and then live in the Eiffel Tower.  You may think we're joking, but we're not.  We've established our "evil" plan to dominate the world--through fried (and some baked) pies.

That doesn't sound evil now does it?  You'd be surprised, though.  Jacob is an entrepreneur and super savvy at business.  I love to make pies and other crafty things like quilting.  Why not marry those skills?  So, we have been working on starting a business for me.  Many people are very supportive.....but there are others that aren't so much.

Today Jacob and I were talking and were trying to figure those people out.  Why is it so bad to start a business doing something you love?  Answer: it's not.   However, I think those naysayers just secretly want to do that very thing themselves but feel like they can't.  Where is the rule that you have to do a job you hate, each day pushing the proverbial rock up the mountain for someone else's dream, some else's product?  That's just it.....it's not written ANYWHERE!  Woo hoo!  However, I think that the lesson I am learning right now is that there will always be some that are not supportive.  As a budding entrepreneur, I am learning that lesson.

So, at month #3 we are starting our plan for world domination.  We're going to try our hand at making pies and other goodies.  We are going to develop our own paradigm, our own dreams.  I am excited.

And how can THESE little beauties be evil?  :)

Packin' and Cleanin' and Wishin' and Hopin'

Today's agenda is doing laundry, cleaning the house, and packing!  Tomorrow we leave very early in the morning to head to Oklahoma then Texas on Saturday!

Tomorrow we are leaving just before the butt-crack of dawn so I can make it to Norman in time to see my coworkers.  I'm looking forward to hearing how the school year is going and catch up with them!  We'll then spend the night with the Smiths and hopefully see the Devero's as well.   

Saturday we will leave a little later, thankfully, just after the butt-crack of dawn to make it to DFW for Scott and Susanne's baby shower.  I can't wait to see them and celebrate the new arrival!  Afterward, a good group will hopefully hang out, and will get quality time with all of my friends down there. 

These two locations hold the bulk of my heart friends.  I will get to see 6 of my 8 bridesmaids this one weekend, not to mention other close friends.  And the whole trip, I will have my handsome husband at my side. 

Relationships are so important to me.  This one trip will fill my tanks for weeks to come.  I am truly, truly blessed!

Missing College

School started yesterday.

I went to OU and after 5 years of study, I graduated.  I loved college and Norman, so I stuck around.  I lived in a college town for 16 years.  I worked with college students as a career for 9 years.  This is the first time that I am not working with college students.

Today I got an email from one of my former students.  It made me smile and encouraged me too.  But it made me a little sad as well.  I do miss my job and my students...and I even miss living in a college town.  My identity was very much connected with that unique subgroup of people. 

Although I miss it, I am very thankful for this new chapter.  I have so many new lessons that I am learning about being a wife.  Jacob is my best friend, and we have so much fun together.  He makes me laugh, he supports me unconditionally, and he makes me a better version of myself.

I miss you Norman, but this Kansas boy has my heart. 

Dr.......I Have an Appointment!

If you know me, you know I LOVE Dr. Pepper.  The full-octane, full calories kind (although I respect the DDP and DP 10 versions).

When I saw this picture, I almost fainted.  These. Were. Made. For. Me.  I cannot wait to make my own version of these little beauties.

Dr. Pepper Cupcake Recipe List of Ingredients:

• 1/2 cup butter
• 2 1/2 cups brown sugar
• 3 eggs
• 3 oz unsweetened baking chocolate, melted
• 1/2 cup buttermilk
• 2 1/2 tsp. baking soda
• 1/2 tsp. salt
• 2 1/2 cups cake flour
• 2 tsp. vanilla
• 1 cup boiling Dr. Pepper

How to:

• Cream the butter and add the brown sugar.
• When well blended, add the eggs one at a time, beating well.
• Add the chocolate, slightly cooled
• In a small bowl, add one teaspoon of the baking soda to the buttermilk.
• Mix the remaining dry ingredients in another bowl.
• Add the flour mixture and the buttermilk mixture to the butter mixture alternatively.  
• Add the vanilla.  Finally add in the Dr. Pepper.
• Pour into cupcake molds and bake at 375-degrees for 20-25 minutes.

Frosting:

• 1/3 C soft butter
• 3 C confectioner's sugar
• 1/2 C dark cocoa
• 4 Tbs heavy cream
• 1 tsp freshly grated ginger
• 1 can cherries in syrup (or in liqueur)

Cream the butter, cocoa and sugar together and stir in the cream.  Add the ginger and enough cherry syrup to create the desired consistency.  Refrigerate if necessary, and spread over the cupcakes when they have cooled.  Top each cupcake with half a cherry.

 

PS....I have had a lot of people asking how to cut the cans.  These were the smaller cans, 8 oz, version.  The best tool I have found to remove the lid is the small, super light-weight, camping style can opener (see attached pictures).

Kabobs...that's what's for dinner!

I come from the land of butter and cast iron skillets for frying.  My mom's version of low-fat cooking was frying one thing.  That's how I learned to cook.  And it tastes goooooood.  If our last names came from our favorite food, my name would be Holly Gravy.  I am southern through and through.

My husband, however, doesn't want to weigh 900 pounds, so I am learning.  I'm learning...use less butter.  Don't fry.  Be healthier.

I am lucky that he is not a picky eater (minus the whole "healthy" thing), and he will eat the same thing day after day.  However, I like variety.  So coming up with a variety of healthy options has been a challenge since we got married.

Today I succeeded....a work of art really.  Kabobs.  Mostly veggies, grilled and filling.  Yum.  Here is the yummy marinate I used....it was a hit with my southern soul and my hubby!

Honey-Chicken Kabob Marinate

• 1/4 cup vegetable oil
• 1/3 cup honey
• 1/3 cup soy sauce
• 2 cloves minced garlic
• 1/4 teaspoon finely ground pepper