The last few days I have been in a weird mood. My heart is heavy and sad. It's hard to explain and when people ask what is wrong, I honestly can't say what it is that is wrong. I think God is just doing some pruning. It's not like huge limbs are falling, but through snip, snip, snip, snips....I am getting pruned.
Right now I am not who I want to be. I feel it is on the surface, waiting to spring out. I've been thinking a lot about my up-coming birthday. It's in December, so no one freak out and check facebook. It's not the date that is making me think--it is the age! On December 5, I will be turning....it hurts to type it.....30.
THIRTY! That is a grown-up age. That is old and adultish, even to me. I can't imagine what all you 21-almost-year-olds might be thinking. With this age, I am thinking about who I am, and if I am who I want to be by this age.
This whole 30 thing is probably prompted by my recent joining of "MySpace." I have been looking up high school "friends" and classmates. In some respects, some of the pictures have brought me joy. Like, "THANK YOU LORD, for not giving me who I thought I wanted to marry!" Or when I see the pictures and think, "Man! He looks OLD! I don't look that old (do I)"
For those moments, I am thankful. But when I look at me, I am not exactly perfect either. In some respects, I have done well. I am in a job I love, and have so many wonderful friends it makes me cry just thinking of them.
But my heart--my character--it has come up lacking. I haven't really allowed God to fully make me who He wants me to be. I have been lazy, apathetic at times.
I only have 155 days and counting until I hit the big 3-0. I want to make those days count....but will I let God do it? Will I put in the work and the effort? I know me, and I fear I won't...Romans 7:15 anyone? ("I don't understand myself at all, for I really want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead, I do the very thing I hate.")
Sadly, I have a soundtrack to all of these thoughts. I heard it the other day, and over-played as it is, it still pricked my heart. "This is your life. Are you who you want to be?"
Today that answer is no. No, I am not.